I keep thinking that things can't get any worse. Failed cycles, unwanted periods, skin cancer, cervical cancer and debt piling up. I have learned to keep a smile on my face and how to get through conversation without breaking into tears (most of the time) I never anticipated that this would be my fate. I want it so bad it hurts. All my cycle buddies are leaving me in the dust. Every one of them ends up pregnant. I knew this cycle wouldn't work. It was doomed from the start. We had already decided to try at the first of the year when my drugs would be partially paid for again. I didn't anticipate my doctor suggesting we quit. She doesn't think I should put myself through the emotional torture of another cycle. I agree, I don't know how I can take anymore bad news. But I have one more try in me. I mentioned that we have touched on the idea of adoption and she snagged that idea with her fingernails and hung on. "I want you to have the family you dream of" I do too! But is it so bad to want to have a baby bump? To go through hours of torturous labor? To have my RNICU buddies waiting to hear "Peds needed to room so and so." I suggested embryo or egg donors and said she thought that was a bad idea because she is afraid I will not be able to have a viable pregnancy due to my crappy cervix. We are so torn. We are considering a second opinion, but our fertility clinic doctors and nurses are like a second family. But I have to put us first. We will have to start the whole process over. Pay to have test redone. Is that the right plan? Or should I give up on the idea of having a child of my own and go straight to adoption? And always wonder what if? I feel like we have one more try in us, but will that just leave us completely empty?
Me and my Hubby
Sunday, November 15, 2015
It's still raining
I keep thinking that things can't get any worse. Failed cycles, unwanted periods, skin cancer, cervical cancer and debt piling up. I have learned to keep a smile on my face and how to get through conversation without breaking into tears (most of the time) I never anticipated that this would be my fate. I want it so bad it hurts. All my cycle buddies are leaving me in the dust. Every one of them ends up pregnant. I knew this cycle wouldn't work. It was doomed from the start. We had already decided to try at the first of the year when my drugs would be partially paid for again. I didn't anticipate my doctor suggesting we quit. She doesn't think I should put myself through the emotional torture of another cycle. I agree, I don't know how I can take anymore bad news. But I have one more try in me. I mentioned that we have touched on the idea of adoption and she snagged that idea with her fingernails and hung on. "I want you to have the family you dream of" I do too! But is it so bad to want to have a baby bump? To go through hours of torturous labor? To have my RNICU buddies waiting to hear "Peds needed to room so and so." I suggested embryo or egg donors and said she thought that was a bad idea because she is afraid I will not be able to have a viable pregnancy due to my crappy cervix. We are so torn. We are considering a second opinion, but our fertility clinic doctors and nurses are like a second family. But I have to put us first. We will have to start the whole process over. Pay to have test redone. Is that the right plan? Or should I give up on the idea of having a child of my own and go straight to adoption? And always wonder what if? I feel like we have one more try in us, but will that just leave us completely empty?
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