Sad face

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I keep waiting for good news so I can share with you guys, but it doesn't come. I tend to do that. There are so many people I keep at a distance because I can't wait to tell them I am pregnant, but it never happens. So here it goes... I went to my day 3 of stims check-up. Couldn't see anything on the ultrasound which I thought was kind of fishy. The doctor talked to me like I haven't been throught this how many times... 9 times including IUI's and IVF's. There usually isn't much action, but something is there. When the labwork came back it confirmed... nothing. Usually day 3 estrogen is 100 or so. It was 26.  So we continued the plan because once again I am maxed out on meds and I would come back day 6. Once again nothing... Nada, zero negative. This doctor knew that I knew. I cried and felt sorry for myself. Why can't this happen for me? Why can't I be a Mommy? My labwork came back a little better at 126. This gave them hope and they requested I keep going on meds. Let me remind you that we only had to pay about $1000 for meds this time thanks to awesome people donating meds to me and the leftovers from last cycle. We were so excited to catch a break on expense this round. Oh how the devil can get you. So I came back to doctor yesterday and was happy to actually see some follicles. There weren't very many, but it was progress. Just not enough. I already knew it was coming. Daniel and I had discussed that this is it for us for a while. So we had to make it count and three or four follicles wasn't cutting it. My estrogen went up to 600 and they wanted me to do two more nights of meds. So tomorrow is the day. Last ultrasound. Doctors have already confirmed that it will probably be changed to Intrauterine insemination, which is only about $280 dollars, but we wasted about $7000 of meds on this bust cycle. What if this is it for me? What if my ovaries are finally done? What if I am never a Mom? That feeling has started to sink it and it hurts. I don't know if I can do it. A life without a baby. Yes I know adoption is there and I don't mind that. I wouldn't mind adopting a baby, but I want one of my own. I know it's selfish, but I want a baby bump. I want morning sickness. I want to have a gender reveal. Heck I even want stretch marks (that aren't fat induced). I want to wear maternity jeans with the stretchy waste band. I want to feel my baby move inside of me. I want a child that shares mine and Daniels DNA. It just sucks and it has always felt surreal, but you can only be told no so many times before it finally hits you right in the heart.