My $15,000 Period

I know that a lot of my friends and loved ones have been waiting around wanting to hear the good news, I wish I could give it to you but I can't. We received our heartbreaking news yesterday afternoon. I had a wonderful day with my Gigi and had my mind mostly in a good place when my phone rang. Hearing, "Jennifer, the test was negative" was not what I thought I would hear from my RE. She said that things were possible, that I made a great embryo and the transfer was not as bad as we thought it would be. But all I heard was it was negative. I was driving of course and made it home to my bed. Then came the hard part of how to tell Daniel. He was at work, but I knew I could not let him go the whole day wondering about the news. So I texted him to call me. Saying the words outloud were not any easier than typing them in a text. I cant help but wonder why me? I want a baby so bad. I know it's "in God's timing" but this just makes me bitter and angry. I have waited five years for this. I hear of the Duggar chick being pregnant a month after she was married... REALLy?!?! She just now got the hang of kissing. I know that I need to have a good attitude about it and I am trying, but I really want to cuss and throw a fit. We have not talked too indept about what is next. I know we will be taking a break because we don't have another $15,000 to flush down the toilet. I appreciate all the prayers and encouragements. Keep them coming because this is something I cannot get through without the help of my friends and family.

Transfer Day

I know a lot of y'all are just on the edge of your seats to know how today went down. It went awesome!! Couldn't have asked for things to go better, we did get some news that one of our embryos stopped growing and the other one has slowed down, they will have to decide tomorrow wether to let it go or to freeze it so fingers crossed.
However hopefully that won't be an issue ANY time soon because this one is going to work! It was graded a 4BB which is very good. Here is a sheet my sweet nurse gave me to help understand the grading...

So we got there and both got to put on hospital attire because Daniel would get to go in with me and see our embryo being placed inside. I took some medications beforehand to help me relax and had to drink about 700ml's of water to fill my bladder up. It was hard to relax after that!

Everything went great though. The catheter slipped in without a problem. It was a little bit uncomfortable, but nothing like the last 8 times the catheter had tried to enter my cervix. We were able to see our embryo on a screen before transfer and I am not going to lie, I got a little emotional.  It was done in about 10 minutes and they placed us in a waiting area for me to lie flat for about 15-30 minutes...

We were encouraged to have a relaxing day, but I wasn't required to lie down all day. We had a nice lunch at The Original Pancake house and I came home to nap. I woke up later in the afternoon and we took the dogs for a little swim in a creek. It was a relaxing day and could not have gone better. Thanks everyone for the texts and prayers!!

Prayers are greatly appreciated!!!

Tomorrow is the big day!! We will be going in at 11am for our embryo transfer. So this means that tomorrow I could be officially pregnant! Super exciting and nerve racking for us. We spent the afternoon at our best friends house celebrating their twin's 8th birthday party. Daniel and I had that moment where we thought, "Are we ready for this????"

Some may ask what exactly will go down tomorrow... here is the rundown. I am supposed to come in with a full bladder. They are requiring me to drink massive amounts of water to help with this. This will help them see transfer via abdominal ultrasound.  I will also take my trusty Xanax beforehand due to past horrors with IUI's (artificial insemenation). I have a lot scar tissue that re-forms EVERY month and causes them to have to dilate my cervix with a metal dilator. (Yes, a torture device). The past few times have definitely been easier, but they are not pain-free like most blogs or pages say for me.  They will pick the best embryo and place it into a catheter. They will place the catheter up past my cervix. There they will release our sweet little egg. It will be nice to have a little time off to relax and worry (because of course that is what I will do).  I know that it is all in God's hands.  Hopefully we can eat a nice lunch tomorrow and rent a movie and veg out on the couch with our house of dogs. I pray that God give us both the patience with the doctors tomorrow and with each other. I know I probably should not pray to God for a baby. I should pray for his will, but I REALLY want a baby. I ache with need of a child of my own and I want it now to be honest.  Today our friends told us that they are planning to take the twins to DisneyWorld next May and I have always said I would go with them. I am a Disney Freak. I would go every year. When Anna said May and said she counted down and figured I would be having a baby that month, there was not even a part of me that was sad. (And turning down Disney is usually a HUGE SAD FACE) I am just so ready to have my life radically changed by a baby. I do not mind being up all night and having  to work the next day. I am a pretty selfish person, but I am ready to put it all aside and be completely selfless.
Okay enough rambling! I am going to go to sleep so that I can get pregnant tomorrow!! I will update when we get home!! Thanks for the prayers.

Looking for the golden egg

So today was the day that we may have began the process of finding our baby. We had to be at doctors office at 7:15 for an 8:45 procedure. I, of course, told Daniel we needed to be there at 7 so we would possibly get there on time. As soon as we get there they pull Daniel and I into opposite directions. I go into the prep area to put on a beautiful hospital gown and to get my iv started. Daniel went with the nice Chinese lady to give his contribution to the whole process :) we also signed our consents and got the rundown on my meds for the rest of the week. I will take Medrol 16 mg started tonight once a day x 5 days, baby aspirin daily, estrace 2mg two times a day and starting 48 hours after retrieval progesterone vaginal suppositories daily until I'm about 10 weeks pregnant.
It was not long and they come to get me! I get really emotional before procedures and hope to get some versed sooner rather than later. The anesthesiologist tells me that I will not be completely asleep during retrieval and that I will fell some stuff but shouldn't remember it. This instantly scares me to death! I don't want to feel anything! However after I got the first dose of sedation I did not know anything until I woke up in recovery. Everything went really well. They retrieved a grand total of NINE follicles!! Which is much better than the original four! I am in a lot more pain than I thought I would be. Horrible cramps and nausea. I have managed to sleep almost all day in hopes to feel well enough to work tomorrow. I need to save my days off the best I can. The doctors will call me tomorrow to update me on how things a re growing  we decided to do a procedure called ICSI which is where they place the sperm directly into the egg in case there is a issue with fertilization. So they were going to do this part this afternoon. We will be doing the transfer on Monday with the best egg that has made it that far! So we are looking for one that is just right!! thanks for your prayers! I know that God is in control of all of this. It is definitely hard to not worry and be stress free but when I remember that he's got this then a peace falls over me.

Getting Very Nervous!!

As everything begins to get closer the butterflies are kicking up in my tummy!! The fear of getting this close and nothing working. I mean, where do I go from here if this doesn't work? I do not see me being able to convince Daniel that we need to spend that much money to try again. I was extremely optimistic about a week ago, even looking up different ways to announce pregnancy. Things have kind of hit a low point though. I am allowing myself to imagine the what ifs? My follicles not multiplying like they are supposed to just brought me down to earth. But like i have been told this week "it just takes one!" And that is true! I just really would be happy with a few to freeze jut in case! So my retrieval will be Wednesday morning at 8:45. I will take my last shot, the trigger shot Pregnyl, tonight. Finally!!! I will then take a doxycycline the night before and the morning of retrieval. So extra prayers will be appreciated this week. Transfer will depend on how the eggs do once they are retrieved.

Trying to Stay Positive

I have had a little bit of a hard time today. I went and had an ultrasound Thursday morning. The doctors said everything looked good, but small. There were only three follicles that I could see and we want there to be about 10-15 good ones. I do not get very much information from the doctors. I have been reading all these number on other blogs like 16mm follicles and estrogen of 1005, but I do not really get any of that unless I ask. I usually get the generic, "everything looks good." which is great, but going through this I need numbers to compare things too. I know all cases are different, but these numbers give me a goal to achieve. So they told me my estrogen was 561 on Thursday. Some of the things I have read said they usually want it to be around 3000 to retrieve eggs so I have a little ways to go. They told me to continue giving my shots like I have been and to come back Saturday morning. Well, working all weekend makes this a little more difficult. I have great coworkers who do not mind staying and helping out though! So this morning I went for the second ultrasound and came out disapointed. I only had about 4 larger follicles all at around 16mm which is a decent size. However it is not the 10-15 we wanted. They said that they would like me to keep giving shots and come back in the morning. They are hoping that the smaller ones will grow big enough to be retrieved also. My estrogen was 1584 so it is staying on track and increasing like they want it to. If things keep progressing we are looking at retrieval on Wednesday!!