Hoping for an awesome new year!

I mean I hate to say it but it can't be too hard for my family to have a better year in 2016. 2015 has left me bruised and scarred. From two bouts of skin cancer, to an early miscarriage and to end the year with a dog bite and stitches. It has been hard, but we have gotten through it. We have so much to look forward to next year. We are on the books to see a new fertility doctor at the end of January. We are hoping to have a new perspective on our issues and maybe find some answers. Also hoping for the Crimson Tide to bring the state another National Championship!! Roll Tide. I will also be welcoming a nephew to the world this year. Excited to be an Aunt and to spoil little Jayden to death!! March will start a whole new dog show season and we are hoping to take these lowly bulldogs to new heights. Taz became a Dad this year and produced a litter of beautiful puppies!! We are hoping to start the process of getting our house ready for a baby in the next couple of months. Praying for God's guidance on pursuing adoption by the end of the year. Thanks for all of the support from our family and friends and cannot wait to share the next years journey with you guys!!

It's still raining

I keep thinking that things can't get any worse. Failed cycles, unwanted periods, skin cancer, cervical cancer and debt piling up. I have learned to keep a smile on my face and how to get through conversation without breaking into tears (most of the time) I never anticipated that this would be my fate. I want it so bad it hurts. All my cycle buddies are leaving me in the dust. Every one of them ends up pregnant.  I knew this cycle wouldn't work. It was doomed from the start. We had already decided to try at the first of the year when my drugs would be partially paid for again. I didn't anticipate my doctor suggesting we quit. She doesn't think I should put myself through the emotional torture of another cycle. I agree, I don't know how I can take anymore bad news. But I have one more try in me.  I mentioned that we have touched on the idea of adoption and she snagged that idea with her fingernails and hung on. "I want you to have the family you dream of" I do too! But is it so bad to want to have a baby bump? To go through hours of torturous labor? To have my RNICU buddies waiting to hear "Peds needed to room so and so."  I suggested embryo or egg donors and said she thought that was a bad idea because she is afraid I will not be able to have a viable pregnancy due to my crappy cervix. We are so torn. We are considering a second opinion, but our fertility clinic doctors  and nurses are like a second family. But I have to put us first. We will have to start the whole process over. Pay to have test redone. Is that the right plan? Or should I give up on the idea of having a child of my own and go straight to adoption? And always wonder what if? I feel like we have one more try in us, but will that just leave us completely empty?

Last shot this cycle

So tonight was my last shot of this cycle. I am praying that it is my last shot of HCG I will ever need. This cycle has been a disaster. The devil has had his hand in this since the first birth control pill I took. I know that with God I can overcome any obstacle the enemy throws at me. He has made me feel like a failure. He has made me feel hopeless. He has made me feel angry. But I am working on holding my head high and allowing my heart to feel hopeful. We received the news that we had figured we would get on Thursday. Dr believes an IUI is our best bet. They do not seem very optimistic, but there is a chance this can work. It's better than completely giving up on this cycle because thanks to my hateful cervix, sperm cannot get in there the natural way. (Sorry TMI)

So tonight I gave myself my trigger shot which will make my body ovulate and Sunday morning we will be completing our 7th IUI. Yes 7th. Seven used to be my lucky number in sports so maybe this is it. Keep me in your prayers as I will have to wake Daniel up at 6 Sunday morning so he can do his contribution to the cause. Pray for good sperm count, a happy open cervix and a receptive follicle or two in there. Pray for our sanity as we complete yet another two week wait. Pray that we give a whole new meaning to Thanksgiving this year. 

Sad face

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I keep waiting for good news so I can share with you guys, but it doesn't come. I tend to do that. There are so many people I keep at a distance because I can't wait to tell them I am pregnant, but it never happens. So here it goes... I went to my day 3 of stims check-up. Couldn't see anything on the ultrasound which I thought was kind of fishy. The doctor talked to me like I haven't been throught this how many times... 9 times including IUI's and IVF's. There usually isn't much action, but something is there. When the labwork came back it confirmed... nothing. Usually day 3 estrogen is 100 or so. It was 26.  So we continued the plan because once again I am maxed out on meds and I would come back day 6. Once again nothing... Nada, zero negative. This doctor knew that I knew. I cried and felt sorry for myself. Why can't this happen for me? Why can't I be a Mommy? My labwork came back a little better at 126. This gave them hope and they requested I keep going on meds. Let me remind you that we only had to pay about $1000 for meds this time thanks to awesome people donating meds to me and the leftovers from last cycle. We were so excited to catch a break on expense this round. Oh how the devil can get you. So I came back to doctor yesterday and was happy to actually see some follicles. There weren't very many, but it was progress. Just not enough. I already knew it was coming. Daniel and I had discussed that this is it for us for a while. So we had to make it count and three or four follicles wasn't cutting it. My estrogen went up to 600 and they wanted me to do two more nights of meds. So tomorrow is the day. Last ultrasound. Doctors have already confirmed that it will probably be changed to Intrauterine insemination, which is only about $280 dollars, but we wasted about $7000 of meds on this bust cycle. What if this is it for me? What if my ovaries are finally done? What if I am never a Mom? That feeling has started to sink it and it hurts. I don't know if I can do it. A life without a baby. Yes I know adoption is there and I don't mind that. I wouldn't mind adopting a baby, but I want one of my own. I know it's selfish, but I want a baby bump. I want morning sickness. I want to have a gender reveal. Heck I even want stretch marks (that aren't fat induced). I want to wear maternity jeans with the stretchy waste band. I want to feel my baby move inside of me. I want a child that shares mine and Daniels DNA. It just sucks and it has always felt surreal, but you can only be told no so many times before it finally hits you right in the heart.

This is the start of something beautiful

This morning was the officialy start to my forth attempt at IVF. I came in before work and got my lovely ultrasound and blood work done. The doctor saw 5-6 follicles on both sides which is a good start, but also saw a left over follicle/cyst. They just called and said my estrogen was normal so the unknown object isn't a problem and we are good to go! I start Lupron tomorrow and Gonal-F and Menopur on Sunday.With yesterday honoring Pregnancy and Infant Loss, I am grateful to have the opportunity to try this again and hopefully will be the start of a happy ending! I want to thank everyone again on ordering through my 31 party. After making $500 through that, getting a bonus at work and selling my extra Taylor Swift tickets we are well on our way to paying off our second cycle! After researching and making deals on a special site, I came away with spending minumal on drugs this go around. We did decide to hold of on the yard sale till the Spring. With my grandmother not feeling great last week and football season, it has been hard to coordinate a time with my parents and helpers. Keep the prayers coming and I will update you guys as information comes. My next ultrasound will be the 21st so I won't know much till then. Retrieval will tentatively be the last week of October.

https://www.gofundme.com/ycac5g

BCP Stands for...

Batsh** Crazy Person. Sorry for my french but the people who came up with this drug knew that and has been hiding it from us all along. When I was in high school and college I was extremely emotional, ask anyone who knew me then. Even had a stent on nerve pills and depression pills. When I came off to start trying to conceive I was healed. Now I am not saying I am not emotional at times. With this journey, things tend to get emotional. But you can ask my hubby, I feel like I have handled things rather well. Until it is time for the bloody birth control pill portion of the cycle. I hate it! I would rather give myself 4 shots a day than take these things. But unfortunately it is part of the process. And I started it this past weekend!! One step closer to making another Baby Vines! Thankfully this time I am not taking them nearly as long. I should start my injections on the 16th. I have an appointment on the 8th to do another trial transfer to make sure there are not any blockages that have occurred since March. Fun stuff!! Cannot wait to wear all the cute socks I have accumulated over the last couple months!
I also wanted to thank everyone that bough and supported from my Thirty-One party! We made $502 that will go towards paying for this next cycle. This is such a blessing for us and we cannot express all of the donations and help we have gotten this cycle. I will throw out there that my next yard sale is tentatively schedule for October 17th. It will be in Bagley at my mom and dad's house. I will advertise more when it gets closer.
We have definitely stayed busy with our fur children the past couple of weeks. We competed in our first PSA trial the second weekend in September. We set very high goals for the weekend and while we did not make them, we did learn things and accomplished some things throughout the weekend. We did learn our dogs are divas and do not like to sit or down in wet grass.

We also competed in an event last weekend that is meant to truly test protection dogs. Our dogs did okay. We still have so much to work on but Daniel had a great time. I was very disappointed that I missed showing the dogs in the ABBA event which is something that keeps me involved with them. I also just enjoy the company of my fellow Alapaha people! Cannot wait to hear next years show schedule so we can start planning on attending them. 

Labor Day beach trip!!

I am loving my long weekend at the beach with my family! Such a great time of relaxation before all of the doctors visits and dog shows start in the next month! My clinic wanted me to come in last week to have a chat before our next cycle starts. All went well besides the fact she surprised me with a Pap smear and lots of blood work😛 but hopefully all comes back fine so we can get started. They do want me to have a saline sonography done that will make sure my tubes and all are not blocked off and I will be scheduling that this week. We are already maxed out on all the meds so it looks like I will be on the same protocol as before and just hoping for good quality eggs.
We are doing a 31 fundraiser online to raise money for IVF. I have sent out some invites on Facebook but if you haven't gotten one and want to order then let me know!! It is online so if you are out of state you are welcome to order through the Facebook event page. We are having one at my friends house later in September for my work friends but if you want to see something in person let me know and I will get you the details! Thanks everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and donations!!